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DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS

prod6364DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS

Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.

I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.


LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

I like the clean shaven look down in my gentleman's log cabin, so for the past few years I've used a shaver. However the hair keeps growing back which means every 6 months I have to spend 20 minutes trimming again. As I'm sure you've realise this is valuable time I cannot waste. So I decided to get to the root of the problem and purchased this product.

Probably the first thing you will notice after using this product is the pain. Although as a man I lack the required experience, I'm going to estimate that using this product is at least eleven times more painful than childbirth.
Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying your hands behind your back. Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion. All the while being butt naked. This product is slightly more painful than that.

However if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating pain I should point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before, all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I've spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman's arse, all to no avail. My tinkywinkleton hasn't even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it's only because I wanted children.

All in all an effective and reasonably priced product - 3 Stars.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK

Comments

( 12 comments — Комментить )
spacet
Jun. 27th, 2013 11:03 am (UTC)
%)
yuggothfungi
Jun. 27th, 2013 11:05 am (UTC)
"I've spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman's arse, all to no avail"

Джизас Крайст!!!
darena13
Jun. 27th, 2013 12:47 pm (UTC)
Nothing seems to satisfy
Hello. My name is Robert Johnson and I am addicted to Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme.

It all started with an innocent little dab, a tiny touch of Creme on the outskirts of my nostrils. You see, I've been cursed with unsightly nose hairs that protrude clumsily like your embarrassing parents dropping you off at school in front of all the cool kids. The Veet sensation set in gradually but uncompromisingly, with layers of heat building up inside my nose. As I inhaled, a wave of vigour filled my lungs and as I exhaled, a tingling buzzing pulsed through my face. It was better than the purest blow and made my brain writhe and dance blissfully. Because I hadn't used much at all, my nostrils didn't reach the levels of hellish agony described by so many reviewers. Little did I know, however, that I had passed the point of no return.

Gradually, I started needing more and more. After all my nose hair was gone, I used the Gel every morning instead of shaving. It felt electrifying and made me so confident I blackmailed my boss and took his job. The fiery stinging was painful at first but after a few weeks I felt nothing. My face was as smooth as ivory and numb as a quadriplegic. That's when I decided to take the plunge downstairs. After reading all the reviews, I knew that at least my scrotum would provide me with the full depth of feeling I desired daily. I spent a whole week with my genitalia fully covered in the Creme.. it was like Purgatory, rinsing me of all inhibitions and qualms. I punched hesitation in the face and became the CEO of a media conglomerate by bedding some very powerful women. The Creme, of course, drove them wild and into hooked them too into my harem.

Weeks flew by... or was it months? I couldn't tell anymore. Time lost all meaning and I measured my life by the number of tubes that were now scattered around my mansion. Piles became heaps and then formed mounds. At this stage I had no hair on my body. I was a human version of the naked mole rat. In order to keep the sensation going, I had to convert the Creme into a sort of vaporised deodorant and spray it constantly on myself. The fire burned all over me and I wept because I knew that nothing would feel this good again.

A few weeks ago I started eating it. I know the tube warns that Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme is harmful if swallowed and to seek immediate medical attention but don't be fooled.. they only put that on there to protect you from the same fate that befell me. As the Creme made its way through my digestive system, I could FEEL the golden glow inside me. It padded my oesophagus with joy, exploded with rainbows in my stomach, tickled my pancreas with hope, made its reassuring way through the small intestine and made my large intestine hum Beethoven. Soon the Veet had reached my colon and gathered there in excited anticipation before exploding forth in a shower of.. gold nuggets! Yes! I had digested the Creme into pure gold! I could not believe such a fortuitous discovery. I was about to become a billionaire and could finally afford my own 24hr Gel Creme suit.

My whole world came crashing down when I tried to deposit my gold nuggets at a bank, only to be dragged away by police. You may have seen on the news recently how a fevered, hairless man was arrested for disturbing the peace at a Westpac branch after a suspicious odour gave away his bag full of feces. I knew then that I had lost my mind to the Veet demon.

Now I write this from my cell at the Lazy Island sanatorium for the mentally unfit. I hope you heed this warning and stay away from this vile and wretched product. Even though it has ruined my life, I am giving it 5 STARS because it took me to heights and places Men only dream of. For better or for worse it is permanently in my heart. Literally. It has somehow permeated my heart muscle and now sits soothingly at the base of my ventricles.

Buy it. But remember that the price you pay will be your soul.
druidinka
Jun. 27th, 2013 07:26 pm (UTC)
Кажется мне, что ...ээээ.... разработчики и косметологи предостерегают от использования данной продукции на "gentleman's log cabin", нет?
Кстати, надо бы запомнить словосочетание. Правда, я не знаю пока, в какой ситуации его можно применить.
darena13
Jun. 27th, 2013 07:58 pm (UTC)
Конечно, предостерегают. Однако умалчивают о том, что жизнь мужчины после того, как он познает впервые восхитительное жжение от депиляционного геля, уже никогда не будет прежней.
Используй его при написании фейкового ревью на косметический продукт для мужчин. Ещё maroon coloured bag of agony хороший оборот.
druidinka
Jun. 28th, 2013 06:58 am (UTC)
Да, кстати, просто смеющееся сознание мало что смогло запомнить)
Кстати, много ли мужчин способны сознаться в использовании геля для удаления волос, а точнее... рассказать о последствиях. Думаю, что не всегда дело заканчивается обычным жжением.
darena13
Jun. 28th, 2013 08:13 am (UTC)
На то они и мужчины, чтобы обладать достаточным мужеством для подобных признаний и ревью ;)))
druidinka
Jun. 28th, 2013 08:24 am (UTC)
И для боязни бритвы)
darena13
Jun. 27th, 2013 07:58 pm (UTC)
Sergeant slaughter and his two lovely daughters
Do get the occasional trim.
New bird on the stage, nearly half my age
My purchase a bit of a whim

The instruction book did not get a look
I thought I knew how to use Veet
Whipped out my tower, whilst stood in the shower
Spreading it liberally all over my meat

I flipped off the cap, lifted up the old chap
Pushing the limits i'm sure
I wanted to groom in the valley of doom
Now my starfish is bleeding and raw

I tried to keep calm washing off the napalm
Leaving me all of a fluster
You could boil a small lake or cook a big steak
With the heat from my genital cluster.

Less grass on the wicked, but all's still not cricket
It does add an inch or two
A full week past, how long will it last?
Still unable to sit, stand or poo.

You may well cry but tears will dry,
Leaving balls as smooth as jam jars,
My slong looks huge, still no sign of pubes
So i'm happy to award it 5 stars
druidinka
Jun. 28th, 2013 07:04 am (UTC)
"Leaving balls as smooth as jam jars" эта строка перевернула все мое представление о поэзии))))
Там все прекрасно. Особенно выразительно четверостишие:
"I tried to keep calm washing off the napalm
Leaving me all of a fluster
You could boil a small lake or cook a big steak
With the heat from my genital cluster."
Сколько в нем боли, граничащей с сарказмом.

Да, а вот раздача звезд по какой системе? 5 баллов или 10?
И еще вопрос.
Где ты все это берешь?
darena13
Jun. 28th, 2013 08:18 am (UTC)
Вроде как там по пятибальной шкале оценивается продукт на амазоне. Так что за эффективность и разумную цену Veet для мужчин регулярно получается пять звёзд ;)

Да на просторах интернета всё это хозяйство валяется, народу нечем заняться :)))
druidinka
Jun. 28th, 2013 08:26 am (UTC)
А все же по 5 балльной. Изначально в посте 3 балла, так что не регулярно=) ой, вот действительно, когда коту делать нечего...хехех
( 12 comments — Комментить )